You may remember when I bemoaned the fact that I would potentially have to interact with neighbors when we finally settled down and bought a house. In a way that doesn't involve calling the cops and peeking out through cracks in the blinds while giggling when the po-po arrive to rain on their late night party parades, of course. That's generally the most contact I like to have with the people in my 'hood. Then again, I grew up in the 'hood, so when bitches weren't throwing wild, drunken parties and having fist fights in the parking lot, they were stealing my mail and/or scheming on my man.
Naturally, I resolved that I wasn't going to accept any offers of homemade goodies as a welcome to our quaint little village. I was convinced that they'd be poisoned or, at the very least, given with ulterior "I want to bang your husband" motives. Well, my thick skinned, tough girl, anti-social city girl ways have weakened over the last month. First, there was the friendly old lady that stopped over with homemade jam. Now, I haven't actually tasted it yet... but it's in my freezer, not the trash, so that's a step in the right (or wrong) direction.
Then, hubby somehow managed to strike up a cordial enough relationship with two other sets of neighbors (one family with small children directly next door to us and another couple one house over) to invite them over for beers and snacks during our housewarming party last weekend. Needless to say, I was leery about it... but I figured since I hadn't caught either couple in the act of robbing my vegetable garden or allowing their pets to defecate on my lawn by that time that it would probably be a nice gesture. Even if I felt a little nauseous when, to my surprise, they actually showed up. And were friendly.
Amazingly enough, both sets of neighbors turned out to meet all of the necessary requirements that I use to determine if they're people that I'm even willing to so much as wave to when I see them on the street.
Truly, I thought the buck would stop there. Well, with couple # 1, it did. They're nice folks but they're definitely not buddy-buddy material. Couple # 2, on the other hand, are making a genuine effort to befriend us. In fact, they invited us over to their little holiday BBQ last night. Um, can you say DREAD? Having them over to our yard is one thing. Going over to theirs, and meeting yet more people that I couldn't possibly care any less about, is quite another.
I actually had a mini panic attack about the prospect. I was completely ready to decline the offer and be marked as a snobby bitch forever. Seriously. I bug out about walking into unfamiliar social situations. I hate being surrounded by strangers that are judging me from the very instant they lay eyes upon me. All I can think about is what they must be thinking about and it's just never an enjoyable experience for me. I feel like I have to be "on." Like I'm walking out onto center stage as an entertainer. I put so much pressure on myself to perform. I'm sure I come off as a bubbly, talkative, fun loving, comical extrovert when I'm in the moment but, on the inside, I'm FREAKING THE EFF OUT. Every time.
Of course, hubby wasn't going to let me escape the experience. So, I slapped on a pair of sunglasses and did my best Lively Lily. For as little time as I could possibly pull off. The second there was a moment of silence, I invented a not so graceful excuse about wanting to go blow stuff up in honor of Memorial Day in my own backyard and we hightailed it out of there. Much to hubby's social chagrin. I survived, though, and I figured that was the end of it. Until they stopped over a few hours later with a bit of wacky tobacky and a whole lot of "let's be best friends forever" bullshit. Uggh. Apparently my little act was more effective than I expected.
Now, don't get me wrong. They're really cool peeps (or at least they seem to be so far. I still haven't ruled out the possibility that they're swingers and are plotting to have us naked in their hot tub by the end of the summer). I just don't think it's wise to get all fast friends furious. First of all, they're a lot younger than us and are unencumbered by kids or any other overwhelmingly tangible sense of responsibility. Secondly, I see a lot of ourselves (eight years or so ago) in them. Which, to be honest, is a scary fucking thing. They are absolutely hilarious, for sure. For every ounce of funny, however, there's a pound of immaturity. It's easy to see that they look up to us, aspire to be like us one day... and that spells trouble. Such a sentiment can quickly transform into jealousy and spitefulness. Even if that doesn't happen, I'm still not keen on being a role model or mentor to these adult children. After all, I have a kid of my own to raise and that's enough of a challenge already.
We've gone so long without having a regular group of kick back, hang out, stay awhile friends in our lives that I'm not really sure if we need any. Much less ones that are able, and apparently willing, to come and knock on our door without receiving a written invitation. I guess it boils down to this: At the end of the day, I just want to sit out back with my close knit family and roast some freaking marshmallows over our fire pit without having to endure a whole bunch of hopeful expectations and dewy eyed admiration. Is that really too much to ask?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Hey momma zita with the big tetás! Come here and kiss my chips for good luck!
Celebrate good times, come on!
8/19/2006
Oh, Lord. What a night. What a story I have the privilege of telling, owning, and calling my own! I just feel so lucky, even though I didn't win a dime. Then again, I didn't gamble, I just kicked back with a glass of wine and watched four girls rock the house with such favorites as Let's Get Loud, I Love Rock and Roll, and Lady Marmalade.
I must start from the beginning. First of all, earlier in the evening we discovered that my Jeep is NOT broken. A freeze plug on the engine was not screwed in tight enough, hence the insane leakage of anti-freeze that I witnessed on Monday morning. This discovery came just in time for my poor, lovely, innocent, and caring little sister. It turns out there's something crazy wrong with her cute little Saturn and she can't drive it. She's also broke on the money tip so she wouldn't have been able to fix it this week anyway. Well, lucky for her she's going to have the Jeep to drive until she can save up enough money to fix her own ride.
Later on hubby and I were sitting on the couch and I abruptly sat up and said, "Let's go to Atlantic City!" Of course, he was all about it. I began to feel kind of sick, though, and needed to be convinced. I told him that I wasn't going unless his sister was willing to come along as well. He picked up the phone, dialed her, and asked, "So what are you doing tonight?" to which she replied, "I'm going to Atlantic City with daddy." I couldn't fucking believe it! All four of us had the same idea in our heads without even consulting one another! It was predestined, I tell you.
Hubby told her that we would meet them at Harrah's and we hit the road. Along the way, we jammed out to such favorites as Linkin Park and 30 Seconds To Mars on the bangin' ass system in our brand new car. I swear, the technology for 2007 simply blows my mind. I'm in love with that Chevy. Who'd have thunk it?!
When we arrived, hubby hit the roulette tables first thing. I kind of wandered around a bit because I stopped gambling in A.C. years ago. I'm still up on the money I won and I'd like to keep it that way. I wasn't there five minutes before some random chick playing the wheel called out to me, "Hey momma zita with the big tetás! Come here and kiss my chips for good luck!" I laughed, because I sometimes appreciate the comedy provided by people who speak before they think, and obliged her. That's when she said, "Holy shit, girl! How much did you pay for those things?" I laughed yet again and told her that my boobs are in fact my own. She called out, "Bullshit! No way! Let me feel them! That's the only way I can tell ..." She was reaching out and I actually had to swat her away, claiming that my husband would kill her. She drunkenly yelled, "That's because they're not real. No way are those things real!" I kept swearing to God and she kept denying it. I guess I'm honored that they look too good to be true? I walked away still laughing and found hubby in order to tell him the story. He was dumbstruck. If it had been a guy, he would have dropped his chips and probably been thrown out of the casino within three minutes.
I hung out by his side until sis-in-law and Daddy D showed up. The boys both play table games so sis-in-law and I took off so she could play some slots. That got boring for me pretty quickly. That's when I spotted the bar with the live performance going on. Scantily clad bitches were singing and dancing and a mob of people were seated around them, gawking and drinking. It was my scene to a T. I drug my bestest chick over, sat down front and center, and ordered a glass of Chardonnay. We laughed, we cheered, we sang, I danced, and sis-in-law took pictures. It was honestly the most fun I've ever had in Atlantic City.
After five or six songs, sis-in-law told me that she wanted to gamble a little and I sent her off without a backwards glance. I was people watching, getting my buzz on, and just plain having a good time. About ten minutes passed and hubby showed up. I insisted upon one last dance because he wanted me to accompany him to the roulette wheel for his last go round. He was already up $50 at that point, which isn't too bad considering how fast paced of a game he plays. He bet a few times, I hit the bathroom, and when I came back I told him to make a bet on the inside numbers for once. He usually sticks to red or black, odd or even, etc. I called out 7,10, and 22. He put $15 on even and $5 on each of my numbers and also threw a chip on 4 in honor of our son's birthday. Well, guess what hit! My little baby guy's B-day! We were thrilled! Especially because he never bets on the inside.
We were jumping all around when Daddy D came upon us. He snapped a picture of us with chips and drink in hand and bid us farewell. Hubby told him that we were going to cash out, put $5 in a random slot machine on our way out the door, and hit the road. Hubby picked a $1 game right at the entrance way, put the money in, hit max bet, and I pulled the lever. Don't you know three sevens in a row came up and we hit another $150! We were screaming like banshees, that's how pumped we were. We had to find the Papa Bear one last time to brag about our good fortune before we split. Hubby had walked in with $150 and we walked out with $500 all together! Is my love lucky or what?
I'm still soaring from our fantastic night out. So much so that I haven't even noticed that I only got 4.5 hours of sleep. Yes, I am at work on Saturday but it isn't phasing me a bit. I'm in such a good mood right now and nothing is going to bring me down today!
I must start from the beginning. First of all, earlier in the evening we discovered that my Jeep is NOT broken. A freeze plug on the engine was not screwed in tight enough, hence the insane leakage of anti-freeze that I witnessed on Monday morning. This discovery came just in time for my poor, lovely, innocent, and caring little sister. It turns out there's something crazy wrong with her cute little Saturn and she can't drive it. She's also broke on the money tip so she wouldn't have been able to fix it this week anyway. Well, lucky for her she's going to have the Jeep to drive until she can save up enough money to fix her own ride.
Later on hubby and I were sitting on the couch and I abruptly sat up and said, "Let's go to Atlantic City!" Of course, he was all about it. I began to feel kind of sick, though, and needed to be convinced. I told him that I wasn't going unless his sister was willing to come along as well. He picked up the phone, dialed her, and asked, "So what are you doing tonight?" to which she replied, "I'm going to Atlantic City with daddy." I couldn't fucking believe it! All four of us had the same idea in our heads without even consulting one another! It was predestined, I tell you.
Hubby told her that we would meet them at Harrah's and we hit the road. Along the way, we jammed out to such favorites as Linkin Park and 30 Seconds To Mars on the bangin' ass system in our brand new car. I swear, the technology for 2007 simply blows my mind. I'm in love with that Chevy. Who'd have thunk it?!
When we arrived, hubby hit the roulette tables first thing. I kind of wandered around a bit because I stopped gambling in A.C. years ago. I'm still up on the money I won and I'd like to keep it that way. I wasn't there five minutes before some random chick playing the wheel called out to me, "Hey momma zita with the big tetás! Come here and kiss my chips for good luck!" I laughed, because I sometimes appreciate the comedy provided by people who speak before they think, and obliged her. That's when she said, "Holy shit, girl! How much did you pay for those things?" I laughed yet again and told her that my boobs are in fact my own. She called out, "Bullshit! No way! Let me feel them! That's the only way I can tell ..." She was reaching out and I actually had to swat her away, claiming that my husband would kill her. She drunkenly yelled, "That's because they're not real. No way are those things real!" I kept swearing to God and she kept denying it. I guess I'm honored that they look too good to be true? I walked away still laughing and found hubby in order to tell him the story. He was dumbstruck. If it had been a guy, he would have dropped his chips and probably been thrown out of the casino within three minutes.
I hung out by his side until sis-in-law and Daddy D showed up. The boys both play table games so sis-in-law and I took off so she could play some slots. That got boring for me pretty quickly. That's when I spotted the bar with the live performance going on. Scantily clad bitches were singing and dancing and a mob of people were seated around them, gawking and drinking. It was my scene to a T. I drug my bestest chick over, sat down front and center, and ordered a glass of Chardonnay. We laughed, we cheered, we sang, I danced, and sis-in-law took pictures. It was honestly the most fun I've ever had in Atlantic City.
After five or six songs, sis-in-law told me that she wanted to gamble a little and I sent her off without a backwards glance. I was people watching, getting my buzz on, and just plain having a good time. About ten minutes passed and hubby showed up. I insisted upon one last dance because he wanted me to accompany him to the roulette wheel for his last go round. He was already up $50 at that point, which isn't too bad considering how fast paced of a game he plays. He bet a few times, I hit the bathroom, and when I came back I told him to make a bet on the inside numbers for once. He usually sticks to red or black, odd or even, etc. I called out 7,10, and 22. He put $15 on even and $5 on each of my numbers and also threw a chip on 4 in honor of our son's birthday. Well, guess what hit! My little baby guy's B-day! We were thrilled! Especially because he never bets on the inside.
We were jumping all around when Daddy D came upon us. He snapped a picture of us with chips and drink in hand and bid us farewell. Hubby told him that we were going to cash out, put $5 in a random slot machine on our way out the door, and hit the road. Hubby picked a $1 game right at the entrance way, put the money in, hit max bet, and I pulled the lever. Don't you know three sevens in a row came up and we hit another $150! We were screaming like banshees, that's how pumped we were. We had to find the Papa Bear one last time to brag about our good fortune before we split. Hubby had walked in with $150 and we walked out with $500 all together! Is my love lucky or what?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Being shipped to me from Italy! YIPEE!
A piece of history.
Genuine Telephone Black Bakelite SIEMENS (Tischapparatet W28mT-210/25) made in Nürnberg is important for the age July 1938 and revised Mar.1941 as per the dates stamped in red on the closure.
The support of the rotary disc shows the following inscription on the back: SIEMENS - Eigantum Der Man—Work Nurnberg—ABT1G.W8.This phone was in use by the Wehrmacht during the years of greatest expansion Nazi in Europe. In March 1936 the Nazi army militarily occupied the Rhineland. In 1937 was signed the Rome-Berlin-Tokyo axis. In March 1938, Germany had conquered Austria and part of Czechoslovakia in March of 1939 occupied Bohemia and Moravia, on September 1939 invaded Poland. In 1940 Germany attacked Norway, Denmark, Belgium, Holland and France.
Evidence that the telephone was used by Vermacht is stamped in red on the back WS1A followed by the number 239.
Note: This telephone was used in the films: The Last Days of Hitler, “Der Untergang” and in the film Valkyrie .
This phone wisely revived today, will give you the privilege of a prestigious past and give your home a touch of class that only objects with great historical value are able to give. It works well today after beyond 70 years and will continue to work for many years to come.
The dial is the original one with the numbers blacks still well preserved on a white porcelain, very elegant , fully checked and rotates freely and smoothly; it can also do the numbers of mobile phones. At the center of the disc are the raised letters A to K to facilitate the formation of numbers to the visually impaired.
This telephone is proper for collectors, gifts, schools, museums, works theatrical and films of the age.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Infamous Cheez-its Incident
Jan. 13th, 2005, Conversation via AIM.
Me [9:42 P.M.]: Hey, I almost got arrested tonight.
Me [9:42 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: O,O
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: wha???
Me [9:42 P.M.]: Yeah, I had an entertaining night.
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: what happened???
Me [9:42 P.M.]: I'll have to write about it. I threatened to kill some bitch that lives in my sister in laws apartment. She's a psycho.
Me [9:43 P.M.]: I scared the shit out of her.
Me [9:43 P.M.]: She doesn't have a phone or furniture.
Friend [9:43 P.M.]: good lord. lol
Me [9:44 P.M.]: So, I knew if I pounded on her door, she'd have no recourse.
Me [9:44 P.M.]: I know, my life is a fucking whirlwind.
Me [9:44 P.M.]: It's kind of a long story ....
Friend [9:44 P.M.]: Well you know I'll be interested in hearing it when you have time to tell it
Me [9:44 P.M.]: Suffice it to say, the chick won't be destroying my families property any more.
Me [9:45 P.M.]: I even spit cheez it crakers on her door
Me [9:45 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:45 P.M.]: LOL
Friend [9:45 P.M.]: ewwwwwwww... lol
Me [9:45 P.M.]: And the best part about it, she has no idea who I am and the cops didn't do too much investigating. She refused to open the door, so I damn near busted it down while screaming and threatening her.
Friend [9:46 P.M.]: wow
Me [9:46 P.M.]: I think said ...
Friend [9:46 P.M.]: Yes??? :)
Me [9:47 P.M.]: "If you put your fucking hands on one more thing that isn't yours, I'm going to put my hands all over you, bitch. I'll fucking strangle you to death the next time I see you .."
Me [9:47 P.M.]: Amongst other things
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: holy shit, Lilli!! lol
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: Are you feeling a little, uh, riled tonight? lol
Me [9:47 P.M.]: All while eating out of a box of Cheez its
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: LOL
Me [9:48 P.M.]: I wanted to spit them in her face, that's why I brought the box with me when I drove over.
Friend [9:48 P.M.]: but she wouldn't answer the door. priceless
Me [9:49 P.M.]: I was very scary sounding. I had a crowd in the hallway, all of the other neighbors who were afraid to fucking approach her about her tampering with their personal items wanted to hear me put her in her place.
Me [9:49 P.M.]: I was called in!
Friend [9:49 P.M.]: this kills me! I'm tearing up. Oh, my kidney hurts. lol
Me [9:49 P.M.]: They knew I'd take care of the situation. The bitch is afraid to come out of her apartment.
Me [9:50 P.M.]: When I first knocked, she didn't answer
Me [9:50 P.M.]: The second knock, she asked, "Who is it?"
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: was your mouth full of cheezits already?
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: lol
Me [9:50 P.M.]: I said, "A friendly neighbor" in a not so friendly tone, yes, with a mouth full of cheez its.
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: LOL
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I had stuffed them in my mouth so that they were ready to spray.
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: cheezits... I'm dying here
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I know right!
Me [9:51 P.M.]: Told you I'm Randall from Clerks
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: awesome!!
Me [9:51 P.M.]: And she answered back, "Welll, I'm not answering."
Me [9:51 P.M.]: That's when I went off
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I couldn't tell you everything I said ...
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: I'd have payed money to see that
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: LOL
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: Man, you could have waited for her and nailed her with cheezits
Me [9:53 P.M.]: The cops come, and I'm LONG gone.
Me [9:53 P.M.]: I knew I had to get out of dodge
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: yeah
Me [9:54 P.M.]: Right, so I get a call from one of the neighbors who works with hubby ...
Me [9:54 P.M.]: and he tells me the cops are asking all kinds of questions ....
Friend [9:54 P.M.]: yeah?
Me [9:54 P.M.]: They want to search his apartment
Me [9:54 P.M.]: I'm thinking, O great. One of these morons are going to slip up and spill TMI
Me [9:55 P.M.]: ...and here I left my DNA all over the door
Me [9:55 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: But it turned up squat?
Me [9:55 P.M.]: I left the open box of Cheez its in my sister in laws apartment ...
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: doh!
Me [9:56 P.M.]: They would have wanted to search her pad, but luckily, I made her come home with me. I knew the cops were going to nose around
Me [9:56 P.M.]: After the cops spent a little more time with the chick, they realized that she is CRAZY
Friend [9:56 P.M.]: So do you think everyone was telling the cops she had it coming?
Me [9:56 P.M.]: She's already being evicted for destroying property
Friend [9:57 P.M.]: sweet
Me [9:57 P.M.]: The cops have to notify the landlord that they were called....
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He comes by and RIPS HER A NEW ASSHOLE!
Friend [9:57 P.M.]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He's pissed at her for starting trouble
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He doesn't believe a word she says ...
Me [9:58 P.M.]: Last month, she supposedly had a stalker ..
Me [9:58 P.M.]: The landlord had to put all these new locks on the door, there was a whole bunch of drama
Friend [9:58 P.M.]: oh goody...
Me [9:58 P.M.]: And I don't even live in this building!
Me [9:59 P.M.]: Some of the shit this lady was doing to her neighbors is OUTLANDISH
Friend [9:59 P.M.]: oh this is funny as hell
Friend [9:59 P.M.]: what was she doing?
Me [9:59 P.M.]: She's certifiably PSYCHO
Me [9:59 P.M.]: Well, I'm not going into all of that, too much typing ...
Friend [10:00 P.M.]: Another day?
Me [10:00 P.M.]: Suffice it to say, you would rather have a "cat lady" living in your complex
Me [10:00 P.M.]: Or even a drug dealer
Friend [10:00 P.M.]: haha, nice
Me [10:00 P.M.]: The bitch tried to burn the place down once
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: good grief
Me [10:01 P.M.]: I don't know why she wasn't in a nut house
Me [10:01 P.M.]: Any way
Me [10:01 P.M.]: I hope I entertained you a little. I've got to run!
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: definitely
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: :D
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: You cracked me up
Me [9:42 P.M.]: Hey, I almost got arrested tonight.
Me [9:42 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: O,O
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: wha???
Me [9:42 P.M.]: Yeah, I had an entertaining night.
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: what happened???
Me [9:42 P.M.]: I'll have to write about it. I threatened to kill some bitch that lives in my sister in laws apartment. She's a psycho.
Me [9:43 P.M.]: I scared the shit out of her.
Me [9:43 P.M.]: She doesn't have a phone or furniture.
Friend [9:43 P.M.]: good lord. lol
Me [9:44 P.M.]: So, I knew if I pounded on her door, she'd have no recourse.
Me [9:44 P.M.]: I know, my life is a fucking whirlwind.
Me [9:44 P.M.]: It's kind of a long story ....
Friend [9:44 P.M.]: Well you know I'll be interested in hearing it when you have time to tell it
Me [9:44 P.M.]: Suffice it to say, the chick won't be destroying my families property any more.
Me [9:45 P.M.]: I even spit cheez it crakers on her door
Me [9:45 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:45 P.M.]: LOL
Friend [9:45 P.M.]: ewwwwwwww... lol
Me [9:45 P.M.]: And the best part about it, she has no idea who I am and the cops didn't do too much investigating. She refused to open the door, so I damn near busted it down while screaming and threatening her.
Friend [9:46 P.M.]: wow
Me [9:46 P.M.]: I think said ...
Friend [9:46 P.M.]: Yes??? :)
Me [9:47 P.M.]: "If you put your fucking hands on one more thing that isn't yours, I'm going to put my hands all over you, bitch. I'll fucking strangle you to death the next time I see you .."
Me [9:47 P.M.]: Amongst other things
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: holy shit, Lilli!! lol
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: Are you feeling a little, uh, riled tonight? lol
Me [9:47 P.M.]: All while eating out of a box of Cheez its
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: LOL
Me [9:48 P.M.]: I wanted to spit them in her face, that's why I brought the box with me when I drove over.
Friend [9:48 P.M.]: but she wouldn't answer the door. priceless
Me [9:49 P.M.]: I was very scary sounding. I had a crowd in the hallway, all of the other neighbors who were afraid to fucking approach her about her tampering with their personal items wanted to hear me put her in her place.
Me [9:49 P.M.]: I was called in!
Friend [9:49 P.M.]: this kills me! I'm tearing up. Oh, my kidney hurts. lol
Me [9:49 P.M.]: They knew I'd take care of the situation. The bitch is afraid to come out of her apartment.
Me [9:50 P.M.]: When I first knocked, she didn't answer
Me [9:50 P.M.]: The second knock, she asked, "Who is it?"
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: was your mouth full of cheezits already?
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: lol
Me [9:50 P.M.]: I said, "A friendly neighbor" in a not so friendly tone, yes, with a mouth full of cheez its.
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: LOL
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I had stuffed them in my mouth so that they were ready to spray.
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: cheezits... I'm dying here
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I know right!
Me [9:51 P.M.]: Told you I'm Randall from Clerks
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: awesome!!
Me [9:51 P.M.]: And she answered back, "Welll, I'm not answering."
Me [9:51 P.M.]: That's when I went off
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I couldn't tell you everything I said ...
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: I'd have payed money to see that
Me [9:52 P.M.]: So, after I left, since she doesn't have a phone ...
Me [9:53 P.M.]: she walks to the police station!Friend [9:53 P.M.]: LOL
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: Man, you could have waited for her and nailed her with cheezits
Me [9:53 P.M.]: The cops come, and I'm LONG gone.
Me [9:53 P.M.]: I knew I had to get out of dodge
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: yeah
Me [9:54 P.M.]: Right, so I get a call from one of the neighbors who works with hubby ...
Me [9:54 P.M.]: and he tells me the cops are asking all kinds of questions ....
Friend [9:54 P.M.]: yeah?
Me [9:54 P.M.]: They want to search his apartment
Me [9:54 P.M.]: I'm thinking, O great. One of these morons are going to slip up and spill TMI
Me [9:55 P.M.]: ...and here I left my DNA all over the door
Me [9:55 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: But it turned up squat?
Me [9:55 P.M.]: I left the open box of Cheez its in my sister in laws apartment ...
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: doh!
Me [9:56 P.M.]: They would have wanted to search her pad, but luckily, I made her come home with me. I knew the cops were going to nose around
Me [9:56 P.M.]: After the cops spent a little more time with the chick, they realized that she is CRAZY
Friend [9:56 P.M.]: So do you think everyone was telling the cops she had it coming?
Me [9:56 P.M.]: She's already being evicted for destroying property
Friend [9:57 P.M.]: sweet
Me [9:57 P.M.]: The cops have to notify the landlord that they were called....
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He comes by and RIPS HER A NEW ASSHOLE!
Friend [9:57 P.M.]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He's pissed at her for starting trouble
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He doesn't believe a word she says ...
Me [9:58 P.M.]: Last month, she supposedly had a stalker ..
Me [9:58 P.M.]: The landlord had to put all these new locks on the door, there was a whole bunch of drama
Friend [9:58 P.M.]: oh goody...
Me [9:58 P.M.]: And I don't even live in this building!
Me [9:59 P.M.]: Some of the shit this lady was doing to her neighbors is OUTLANDISH
Friend [9:59 P.M.]: oh this is funny as hell
Friend [9:59 P.M.]: what was she doing?
Me [9:59 P.M.]: She's certifiably PSYCHO
Me [9:59 P.M.]: Well, I'm not going into all of that, too much typing ...
Friend [10:00 P.M.]: Another day?
Me [10:00 P.M.]: Suffice it to say, you would rather have a "cat lady" living in your complex
Me [10:00 P.M.]: Or even a drug dealer
Friend [10:00 P.M.]: haha, nice
Me [10:00 P.M.]: The bitch tried to burn the place down once
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: good grief
Me [10:01 P.M.]: I don't know why she wasn't in a nut house
Me [10:01 P.M.]: Any way
Me [10:01 P.M.]: I hope I entertained you a little. I've got to run!
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: definitely
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: :D
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: You cracked me up
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Freak Magnet
I must have Freak Magnet tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink that can only be seen by sexual predators and perverts.
Little Johnny & I went to the grocery store and, as we were finishing our shopping in the deli, a weirdo, that we had both first noticed near us in the dairy aisle 10 minutes before, appeared at my shoulder and started interjecting into our conversation about cheese. I brushed him off and we walked away. He followed. Even Little Johnny noticed we were being stalked. We started zigzagging around the store in a completely random pattern, but still, the guy trailed us.
We were finally able to lose him by breaking into a coordinated jog and darting through a crowd in the seasonal aisle. That's when we decided to very stealthily loop around and begin following him. He was on a frenzied tear, head darting in every which direction except for ours, looking for us, like a predator desperately chasing a fading scent of blood.
After awhile, he appeared to give up and got in line at the checkout. That's when we jumped into an empty que and quickly started putting our stuff on the conveyor belt. The lecherous bastard spotted us again, left his cart in his line and got behind us, just staring. I eyed him down with as much indignation as I could muster and he stuttered, "Just checking to see if that was you," and darted back into his lane.
What a sick comment, in and of itself! "You"? As in who? Oh, yeah! The lady with the preteen that you were just stalking! I was absolutely blown away that such a thing came out of his mouth! The walking freak show confessed to his pursuit of us with that statement alone! I was speechless!
Little Johnny was totally freaked out by that point. Luckily, we were able to get out of there before him and, with a very real sense of urgency, we jetted to my vehicle, bags in hand, and buckled in. I've never been so thankful for my limo black privacy tinting as I was at that moment! We were able to watch him exit the store and meander around the parking lot on the hunt for us once again without having to worry about being seen.
We waited until he was well away from our location and pulled out of the shopping center in shock. That's when Little Johnny turned to me and said, "Wow. You can't trust anyone these days." Probably the perfect lesson to take away from such a bizarre experience.
Little Johnny & I went to the grocery store and, as we were finishing our shopping in the deli, a weirdo, that we had both first noticed near us in the dairy aisle 10 minutes before, appeared at my shoulder and started interjecting into our conversation about cheese. I brushed him off and we walked away. He followed. Even Little Johnny noticed we were being stalked. We started zigzagging around the store in a completely random pattern, but still, the guy trailed us.
We were finally able to lose him by breaking into a coordinated jog and darting through a crowd in the seasonal aisle. That's when we decided to very stealthily loop around and begin following him. He was on a frenzied tear, head darting in every which direction except for ours, looking for us, like a predator desperately chasing a fading scent of blood.
After awhile, he appeared to give up and got in line at the checkout. That's when we jumped into an empty que and quickly started putting our stuff on the conveyor belt. The lecherous bastard spotted us again, left his cart in his line and got behind us, just staring. I eyed him down with as much indignation as I could muster and he stuttered, "Just checking to see if that was you," and darted back into his lane.
What a sick comment, in and of itself! "You"? As in who? Oh, yeah! The lady with the preteen that you were just stalking! I was absolutely blown away that such a thing came out of his mouth! The walking freak show confessed to his pursuit of us with that statement alone! I was speechless!
Little Johnny was totally freaked out by that point. Luckily, we were able to get out of there before him and, with a very real sense of urgency, we jetted to my vehicle, bags in hand, and buckled in. I've never been so thankful for my limo black privacy tinting as I was at that moment! We were able to watch him exit the store and meander around the parking lot on the hunt for us once again without having to worry about being seen.
We waited until he was well away from our location and pulled out of the shopping center in shock. That's when Little Johnny turned to me and said, "Wow. You can't trust anyone these days." Probably the perfect lesson to take away from such a bizarre experience.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Mama Bear Ain't Scared
A mother sends Little Jane, her 4th grader, to school with an expensive piece of electronic equipment. On Friday afternoon, Little Johnny, a 6th grader, asks to borrow Little Jane's expensive smart phone to shoot a video on the school bus. Little Jane says yes and hands it over. Little Johnny then accidentally drops the phone, which causes a big ol' crack in the screen. Who's to blame? Little Johnny for the accident? Little Jane for allowing Little Johnny to use her phone in the first place? Little Jane's mother for trusting a 4th grader with an expensive piece of electronic equipment at school? All of the above? Who should be financially responsible for the broken phone?
Well, Little Johnny's mother got an email from the Principal today:
Well, Little Johnny's mother got an email from the Principal today:
Dear Parents,
Little Johnny informed me today that you have decided not to reimburse Little Jane's parents for the phone he broke on Friday. I asked him to have you put that in writing so that I could have a record. The phone is unfortunately smashed at the top and should be replaced, but Little Jane's mother told me that she did not want any trouble, so I am not pursuing this, other than getting your statement in writing. I hope, however, that there has been some consequence at home for his actions. Even though I do believe this was accidental, there is still a broken phone.
Sincerely,
Principal Priss
Little Johnny's Mother wrote back:
Miss Priss,
I'm not going to pay for the phone for a few reasons. Firstly, it was an accident and they should have insurance (on an expensive piece of electronic equipment belonging to a fourth grader) which would cover any repairs. Little Johnny does not have a cell phone, much less a smart phone, because children at this age do not need one, nor are they generally responsible enough to take care of them. If Little Johnny loaned his Kindle to another child at school, for instance, and that child broke it, I would hold Little Johnny responsible for said breakage and never dream of asking that child's parent to pay for the damage. I'm sorry that Little Jane's phone is broken but hopefully she'll also learn from this experience and think twice before she allows other kids to play with her toys. That being said, we have already dealt with Little Johnny about this situation.
Thanks,
Mr. & Mrs. Little Johnny
Thursday, March 22, 2012
What the mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin.
It's so strange to be going through life perfectly fine and dandy. For me, anyway. I try to forget my painful past, my traumatic childhood, my misspent youth. The older I get, the easier it becomes. Then, out of the blue, I'll wake up and my heart will remind me that it's forever broken, that I'll never be completely whole, that I have learned to "live half a life".
The strangest, most random of things will remind me. Be it a song or a passing reflection of myself, looking so similar to my mother, in the window of a store front. Either way, when it happens, it's an emotional gut punch. Today I fully understand the meaning behind the very famous quote; "What the mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin."
I know it's something that will dog my steps until the day I die.
Brokenness, unspoken.
Captivity, self-inflicted.
Can't concentrate when reality is twisted.
Fun house mirrors morph into dreadful inflections,
potential futures cast ghastly reflections.
Can't seem to change direction
or see past illusionary imperfection.
Took the wide path toward the left.
The floor dropped out from underneath careless feet.
Falling, calling, echoing into emptiness;
a foretaste of eternal loneliness.
The bitterness of which is reminiscent of death,
life's great equalizer, there is no contest.
A finality to so many pointless conquests.
Lived, loved, lost.
Laughed, cried, humbled selfish pride.
Through winter's thaw to fall's first frost,
spring brought rain and summer always came.
Every season, without treason,
taken for granted, still the sun shone on.
One morn will dawn and I'll be gone.
No lament can resurrect the dead.
No hope can soothe a soul's regret.
No yearning can prevent decay.
No light can penetrate the grave.
No gold can erase the lifelong debt
that each one must pay
for the privilege of even a single day.
The strangest, most random of things will remind me. Be it a song or a passing reflection of myself, looking so similar to my mother, in the window of a store front. Either way, when it happens, it's an emotional gut punch. Today I fully understand the meaning behind the very famous quote; "What the mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin."
I know it's something that will dog my steps until the day I die.
Brokenness, unspoken.
Captivity, self-inflicted.
Can't concentrate when reality is twisted.
Fun house mirrors morph into dreadful inflections,
potential futures cast ghastly reflections.
Can't seem to change direction
or see past illusionary imperfection.
Took the wide path toward the left.
The floor dropped out from underneath careless feet.
Falling, calling, echoing into emptiness;
a foretaste of eternal loneliness.
The bitterness of which is reminiscent of death,
life's great equalizer, there is no contest.
A finality to so many pointless conquests.
Lived, loved, lost.
Laughed, cried, humbled selfish pride.
Through winter's thaw to fall's first frost,
spring brought rain and summer always came.
Every season, without treason,
taken for granted, still the sun shone on.
One morn will dawn and I'll be gone.
No lament can resurrect the dead.
No hope can soothe a soul's regret.
No yearning can prevent decay.
No light can penetrate the grave.
No gold can erase the lifelong debt
that each one must pay
for the privilege of even a single day.
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