Hey momma zita with the big tetás! Come here and kiss my chips for good luck!

Celebrate good times, come on!

8/19/2006

Oh, Lord. What a night. What a story I have the privilege of telling, owning, and calling my own! I just feel so lucky, even though I didn't win a dime. Then again, I didn't gamble, I just kicked back with a glass of wine and watched four girls rock the house with such favorites as Let's Get Loud, I Love Rock and Roll, and Lady Marmalade.

I must start from the beginning. First of all, earlier in the evening we discovered that my Jeep is NOT broken. A freeze plug on the engine was not screwed in tight enough, hence the insane leakage of anti-freeze that I witnessed on Monday morning. This discovery came just in time for my poor, lovely, innocent, and caring little sister. It turns out there's something crazy wrong with her cute little Saturn and she can't drive it. She's also broke on the money tip so she wouldn't have been able to fix it this week anyway. Well, lucky for her she's going to have the Jeep to drive until she can save up enough money to fix her own ride.

Later on hubby and I were sitting on the couch and I abruptly sat up and said, "Let's go to Atlantic City!" Of course, he was all about it. I began to feel kind of sick, though, and needed to be convinced. I told him that I wasn't going unless his sister was willing to come along as well. He picked up the phone, dialed her, and asked, "So what are you doing tonight?" to which she replied, "I'm going to Atlantic City with daddy." I couldn't fucking believe it! All four of us had the same idea in our heads without even consulting one another! It was predestined, I tell you.

Hubby told her that we would meet them at Harrah's and we hit the road. Along the way, we jammed out to such favorites as Linkin Park and 30 Seconds To Mars on the bangin' ass system in our brand new car. I swear, the technology for 2007 simply blows my mind. I'm in love with that Chevy. Who'd have thunk it?!

When we arrived, hubby hit the roulette tables first thing. I kind of wandered around a bit because I stopped gambling in A.C. years ago. I'm still up on the money I won and I'd like to keep it that way. I wasn't there five minutes before some random chick playing the wheel called out to me, "Hey momma zita with the big tetás! Come here and kiss my chips for good luck!" I laughed, because I sometimes appreciate the comedy provided by people who speak before they think, and obliged her. That's when she said, "Holy shit, girl! How much did you pay for those things?" I laughed yet again and told her that my boobs are in fact my own. She called out, "Bullshit! No way! Let me feel them! That's the only way I can tell ..." She was reaching out and I actually had to swat her away, claiming that my husband would kill her. She drunkenly yelled, "That's because they're not real. No way are those things real!" I kept swearing to God and she kept denying it. I guess I'm honored that they look too good to be true? I walked away still laughing and found hubby in order to tell him the story. He was dumbstruck. If it had been a guy, he would have dropped his chips and probably been thrown out of the casino within three minutes.

I hung out by his side until sis-in-law and Daddy D showed up. The boys both play table games so sis-in-law and I took off so she could play some slots. That got boring for me pretty quickly. That's when I spotted the bar with the live performance going on. Scantily clad bitches were singing and dancing and a mob of people were seated around them, gawking and drinking. It was my scene to a T. I drug my bestest chick over, sat down front and center, and ordered a glass of Chardonnay. We laughed, we cheered, we sang, I danced, and sis-in-law took pictures. It was honestly the most fun I've ever had in Atlantic City.

After five or six songs, sis-in-law told me that she wanted to gamble a little and I sent her off without a backwards glance. I was people watching, getting my buzz on, and just plain having a good time. About ten minutes passed and hubby showed up. I insisted upon one last dance because he wanted me to accompany him to the roulette wheel for his last go round. He was already up $50 at that point, which isn't too bad considering how fast paced of a game he plays. He bet a few times, I hit the bathroom, and when I came back I told him to make a bet on the inside numbers for once. He usually sticks to red or black, odd or even, etc. I called out 7,10, and 22. He put $15 on even and $5 on each of my numbers and also threw a chip on 4 in honor of our son's birthday. Well, guess what hit! My little baby guy's B-day! We were thrilled! Especially because he never bets on the inside.

We were jumping all around when Daddy D came upon us. He snapped a picture of us with chips and drink in hand and bid us farewell. Hubby told him that we were going to cash out, put $5 in a random slot machine on our way out the door, and hit the road. Hubby picked a $1 game right at the entrance way, put the money in, hit max bet, and I pulled the lever. Don't you know three sevens in a row came up and we hit another $150! We were screaming like banshees, that's how pumped we were. We had to find the Papa Bear one last time to brag about our good fortune before we split. Hubby had walked in with $150 and we walked out with $500 all together! Is my love lucky or what?

I'm still soaring from our fantastic night out. So much so that I haven't even noticed that I only got 4.5 hours of sleep. Yes, I am at work on Saturday but it isn't phasing me a bit. I'm in such a good mood right now and nothing is going to bring me down today!

The Infamous Cheez-its Incident

Jan. 13th, 2005, Conversation via AIM. 
Me [9:42 P.M.]: Hey, I almost got arrested tonight.
Me [9:42 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: O,O
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: wha???
Me [9:42 P.M.]: Yeah, I had an entertaining night.
Friend [9:42 P.M.]: what happened???
Me [9:42 P.M.]: I'll have to write about it. I threatened to kill some bitch that lives in my sister in laws apartment. She's a psycho. 
Me [9:43 P.M.]: I scared the shit out of her.
Me [9:43 P.M.]: She doesn't have a phone or furniture. 
Friend [9:43 P.M.]: good lord. lol
Me [9:44 P.M.]: So, I knew if I pounded on her door, she'd have no recourse.
Me [9:44 P.M.]: I know, my life is a fucking whirlwind.
Me [9:44 P.M.]: It's kind of a long story ....
Friend [9:44 P.M.]: Well you know I'll be interested in hearing it when you have time to tell it
Me [9:44 P.M.]: Suffice it to say, the chick won't be destroying my families property any more.
Me [9:45 P.M.]: I even spit cheez it crakers on her door
Me [9:45 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:45 P.M.]: LOL
Friend [9:45 P.M.]: ewwwwwwww... lol
Me [9:45 P.M.]: And the best part about it, she has no idea who I am and the cops didn't do too much investigating. She refused to open the door, so I damn near busted it down while screaming and threatening her.
Friend [9:46 P.M.]: wow
Me [9:46 P.M.]: I think said ...
Friend [9:46 P.M.]: Yes??? :)
Me [9:47 P.M.]: "If you put your fucking hands on one more thing that isn't yours, I'm going to put my hands all over you, bitch. I'll fucking strangle you to death the next time I see you .."
Me [9:47 P.M.]: Amongst other things
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: holy shit, Lilli!! lol
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: Are you feeling a little, uh, riled tonight? lol
Me [9:47 P.M.]: All while eating out of a box of Cheez its
Friend [9:47 P.M.]: LOL
Me [9:48 P.M.]: I wanted to spit them in her face, that's why I brought the box with me when I drove over.
Friend  [9:48 P.M.]: but she wouldn't answer the door. priceless
Me [9:49 P.M.]: I was very scary sounding. I had a crowd in the hallway, all of the other neighbors who were afraid to fucking approach her about her tampering with their personal items wanted to hear me put her in her place.
Me [9:49 P.M.]: I was called in!
Friend [9:49 P.M.]: this kills me! I'm tearing up. Oh, my kidney hurts. lol
Me [9:49 P.M.]: They knew I'd take care of the situation. The bitch is afraid to come out of her apartment.
Me [9:50 P.M.]: When I first knocked, she didn't answer
Me [9:50 P.M.]: The second knock, she asked, "Who is it?"
Friend  [9:50 P.M.]: was your mouth full of cheezits already?
Friend  [9:50 P.M.]: lol
Me [9:50 P.M.]: I said, "A friendly neighbor" in a not so friendly tone, yes, with a mouth full of cheez its. 
Friend [9:50 P.M.]: LOL
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I had stuffed them in my mouth so that they were ready to spray.
Friend  [9:51 P.M.]: cheezits... I'm dying here
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I know right!
Me [9:51 P.M.]: Told you I'm Randall from Clerks
Friend  [9:51 P.M.]: awesome!!
Me [9:51 P.M.]: And she answered back, "Welll, I'm not answering."
Me [9:51 P.M.]: That's when I went off
Me [9:51 P.M.]: I couldn't tell you everything I said ...
Friend [9:51 P.M.]: I'd have payed money to see that

Me [9:52 P.M.]: So, after I left, since she doesn't have a phone ...

Me [9:53 P.M.]: she walks to the police station!
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: LOL
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: Man, you could have waited for her and nailed her with cheezits
Me [9:53 P.M.]: The cops come, and I'm LONG gone.
Me [9:53 P.M.]: I knew I had to get out of dodge
Friend [9:53 P.M.]: yeah
Me [9:54 P.M.]: Right, so I get a call from one of the neighbors who works with hubby ...
Me [9:54 P.M.]: and he tells me the cops are asking all kinds of questions ....
Friend [9:54 P.M.]: yeah?
Me [9:54 P.M.]: They want to search his apartment
Me [9:54 P.M.]: I'm thinking, O great. One of these morons are going to slip up and spill TMI
Me [9:55 P.M.]: ...and here I left my DNA all over the door
Me [9:55 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: lol
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: But it turned up squat?
Me [9:55 P.M.]: I left the open box of Cheez its in my sister in laws apartment ...
Friend [9:55 P.M.]: doh!
Me [9:56 P.M.]: They would have wanted to search her pad, but luckily, I made her come home with me. I knew the cops were going to nose around
Me [9:56 P.M.]: After the cops spent a little more time with the chick, they realized that she is CRAZY
Friend [9:56 P.M.]: So do you think everyone was telling the cops she had it coming?
Me [9:56 P.M.]: She's already being evicted for destroying property
Friend [9:57 P.M.]: sweet
Me [9:57 P.M.]: The cops have to notify the landlord that they were called....
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He comes by and RIPS HER A NEW ASSHOLE!
Friend [9:57 P.M.]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He's pissed at her for starting trouble
Me [9:57 P.M.]: He doesn't believe a word she says ...
Me [9:58 P.M.]: Last month, she supposedly had a stalker ..
Me [9:58 P.M.]: The landlord had to put all these new locks on the door, there was a whole bunch of drama
Friend [9:58 P.M.]: oh goody...
Me [9:58 P.M.]: And I don't even live in this building!
Me [9:59 P.M.]: Some of the shit this lady was doing to her neighbors is OUTLANDISH
Friend [9:59 P.M.]: oh this is funny as hell
Friend [9:59 P.M.]: what was she doing?
Me [9:59 P.M.]: She's certifiably PSYCHO
Me [9:59 P.M.]: Well, I'm not going into all of that, too much typing ...
Friend [10:00 P.M.]: Another day?
Me [10:00 P.M.]: Suffice it to say, you would rather have a "cat lady" living in your complex
Me [10:00 P.M.]: Or even a drug dealer
Friend [10:00 P.M.]: haha, nice
Me [10:00 P.M.]: The bitch tried to burn the place down once
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: good grief
Me [10:01 P.M.]: I don't know why she wasn't in a nut house
Me [10:01 P.M.]: Any way
Me [10:01 P.M.]: I hope I entertained you a little. I've got to run! 
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: definitely
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: :D
Friend [10:01 P.M.]: You cracked me up

I ate chocolate sauce off of a porn star.

2007 was a crazy year. I was 25 and in the middle of what I refer to as "My Quarter Life Crisis." 


One of my favorite quotes from that year pretty much illustrates where my life was going:
"I'm exhausted from partying, dude. I spent four hours and most of my money at a strip club last night. I ate chocolate sauce off of a porn star. The last thing I feel like doing is running around all over creation at the beck and call of an institutionalized lunatic. I'm fucking done." 


After an ugly, if temporary, break up, my life was a whirlwind of what I considered highly entertaining fun and debauchery. The summer of 2007 was one hell of a ride. I explored and experimented and indulged myself in ways I'd only imagined. In short, I allowed myself to wallow in selfishness and sensation. 


After an ever growing laundry list of sin and misbehavior, I was able to finally start looking at the bigger picture. I slowed down long enough to ask, "Where do I want to be six, twelve & twenty four months down the line? Where do I see myself five, ten or fifteen years from now?" 

When I asked myself such questions, I realized what the answer was not. I didn't want to be a washed up party girl. I didn't want to end up old and alone, having lost the only man I ever truly loved. That was the worst fate I could imagine enduring, actually. Most importantly, I didn't want to have to honestly explain to my son why I threw away my marriage to his beloved & devoted father. 


Bottom line; I didn't want to lose my husband. I wanted to fight for him, for us, and our family. I realized that I needed him in my life, that my day to day existence was, and still is, damn near intolerable unless things are "right" between us. Though we were split up, I never once claimed to cease loving him...  because I didn't. True love simply won't go away, despite whatever concerted efforts one makes to abolish and destroy such feelings. 

All of the distractions and misadventures failed to serve their true purpose because, at the end of the day, when I laid my weary head down upon my pillow, the world had lost its luster. The hollow darkness descended, leaving me empty, morose and all the more cynical from the sheer meaninglessness of it all. My heart, in those candid moments, spoke the truth that my stubborn brain and untamed spirit refused to heed. My life had completely fallen apart. In a way, it had to. Otherwise we never would have been able to start over and rebuild our relationship from scratch. 


The happy ending? Well. I am grounded now. I feel it in my soul. I have no desire to be back out on the scene, partying, as my husband once said, "like a teenager." I flew, I fell. I made my mistakes, I learned. There's really no other way to do it. All of the good advice in the world couldn't stop me from taking such a long and winding path. 


It's always cloudy except for when you look into the past. But that's how it has to be. It's part of being human. Wisdom comes from hard knocks. And it's been a hard knock life for me. Which is one of the reasons, I suppose, that I am finally able to enjoy and appreciate the way that we are living now. It's a life that is secure and comfortable... but not, by any means, boring. 



Now that I've laid the groundwork and you know where this INSANITY is coming from, without any further ado, I present: A crazy ass, random as all hell cat fight. May you laugh at my expense. 

I have a date! Labor Day, 2014.

• Sep. 7th, 2004 at 7:44 PM

I had such an amazing time with my family and a few friends this weekend. The best part about the whole thing is that we didn't force it. Of course, we knew all week that "the fam" was going camping (yet again) in Maryland. They pressured us into making it definite, but I would not relent. I didn't want to get their hopes up.

All week, customers were asking about my holiday agenda. I repeatedly told them, "I have no plans, I'm spontaneous. When I want to go, I just get up and go." And so I did. We rolled into their campsite without a call or a warning. As soon as they saw us, it was an instant party. We bring the fun, of that there is no doubt.

We rolled with the filthy minded teenagers, relishing in the fact that this may very well be our last chance to do so. This group of teens is the last we'll ever be able to truly relate to. (Phil's younger brother Jeremy, his cousin Josh & friend.) The next group of up and coming teenagers includes Merick 4, Hunter 3, Alex 8, & Kaitlyn 5. This is about ten years from now. My, how time has flown... It's hard to believe that soon we'll be the old heads in bed at 10 pm on future camping trips!

We went swimming, played whisper down the lane, the alphabet game, and truth or dare which lead to pole dancing, streaking through the site, humping soda machines, and foot licking. We went to a secluded little beach on the bay in the dead of night (without the youngsters) and reflected. We made a pact, the four of us (myself, hubby, sister-in-law Heather, and her boyfriend Aaron) to come back to that very spot ten years from Labor Day, no matter where we are or who we're with. Yeah, we were a little drunk and what not, but we meant it.

All in all, I'm glad that we went. I'm happy that I have become so close with these people who were mere strangers to me ten years ago. I love them all more than I love my own blood relations, and I am so glad that they accept me for the wild child that I am, without question.

This family offers endless comic material.

Mar. 20th, 2005 FLASHBACK! 


My sister-in-law Heather and I watched "Threesome" last night after taking a few shots of 99 Blackberries Schnapps. Yeah, that was a masterpiece. Don't think we rented it or anything. It came to Heather's apartment  months ago with some guys name and her address on it. Instead of being honest and returning it, she opened it up and, lo and behold, there was "Threesome"... and the original motion picture soundtrack along with it. Two weeks later, she got another package with the SAME guys name on it and opened it. Yet again. Guess what was inside? The SAME fucking CD & DVD. I asked her, "Jeez, you should have written return to sender on the first one and you didn't. Why didn't you do the right thing the second time?" She answered, "Man, I'm not going through all of that! Return to sender? What a pain in the ass! Besides, who knows what was in that box! It could have been something good." Well, too bad it wasn't. I wonder about the poor guy who ordered it. Twice. Maybe I don't want to know ...

Mu hubby's hair is out of control. It's thick and wild. When it has even a bit of length, it stands up straight like Johnny Suede, only in all different crazy directions. It has a mind of its own and its moods differ from day to day. We all laugh and make fun of it. He got it cut only two weeks ago and it's already wacky. He happened to lose his hat earlier this week and was forced to go to the corner store without one, knowing full well how awful his hair was acting. As he was standing in line, he heard someone laughing hysterically. He looked over and noticed a retarded guy pointing at his hair. The dude wouldn't quit! The whole time hubby waited in line the guy was doubled over with laughter. When hubby gave him the evil glare, the dude snorted and said, "It looks like you just woke up!" Everyone else in the store was snickering about his up-do too and he came home pissed saying, "I've got to shave my head, this is out of control! I've got retards making fun of me. To top it off, he had better hair than me! I would have punched him in the face if he wasn't retarded." So, I came home yesterday and the mop was gone. Thank God because I was having trouble not pointing and laughing at him myself.

Have in-laws, will travel.

Flashback! Aug. 16th, 2004 


I will never put off packing until the last minute again. I don't think my husband will wait until an hour before we're supposed to leave to do laundry again either. 

This weekend started out with a bang. Unfortunately, it was the motor of my washer blowing up, with Phil's clothing in it, soaked. Add in an unwanted trip to the Laundromat to dry his half clean clothes.

Then, we make our way over to my sister in law's house so that she can follow us to the campsite. Her boyfriend drags his ass while packing the car, as we sat in ours waiting. After about fifteen minutes of this, he turns and says to us, "OK, first we have to get gas and than we have to drive up to my work so I can leave a note telling them I won't be in tomorrow."

O, no he didn't! I flipped!
"What? You made me sit here all this time? Why didn't you tell me this 20 minutes ago? I wouldn't have wasted my time on you!" I threw the Jeep in reverse and said, "Screw them. They know the way!" 

So, we get there. Everything is going just dandy, campfire cooking, all 13 of us laughing and having a good time. Some are drinking more than others, but that's to be expected. One by one, the little Indians start heading off to their tents. My husband retired very early, but I was having a rip roaring good time. I started a little trouble, daring people to mess with the others who are already asleep. Of course I don't do the dirty work myself ... 

One thing leads to another and by 4 am, my soon to be brother in law annoys Aunt Lisa's alcoholic boyfriend by saying, "Go back to sleep, drunk," and we have a rumble in the jungle enough to awaken Momma D from her slumber. As I faded into the background, the fire was extinguished, and we were directed to head to bed. 

As if family fights weren't enough ... 

We wake up the next morning to an argument over how we were going to spend the day. We ended up renting a boat and floating it out into the Bay. Only we didn't know and weren't told that it was coming up on low tide. After crabbing, swimming, and doing dives off the boat, we know it's time to get back to the dock. However, the motor is sucking up the nastiest black tar looking muck you've ever seen from the bottom and refusing to propel us to where we need to be.

And that's when the skies opened up. Here we are cold, wet, fucked and stuck in muck. Papa D jumps out of the boat in his "new" (meaning a year old) sandals with Velcro and all, to push the boat. Being black and smelling like fresh sewage, apparently, isn't enough of an attribute for the bottom of the bay. It also has the characteristics of quicksand. Papa D was knee deep and going under before pulling himself out, without his beloved sandals. 

This began the all male review that was the highlight of my hellish boating experience. Each and every boy/man on the boat was recruited to pull/push/drag the boat through the crab (and God only knows what else) infested bay. The funniest moments of outdoor torture included musical shoes and pin the boat on my husbands ABS. I shouted, "You look hot, baby!" for encouragement as he was pulling us and hiking through tar pit heaven with the anchor rope tied around his mid section. 

We had to take the "long way" to our dock and were two hours late bringing the boat back. There was supposed to be a charge for a late check in. Our bitching/yelling/screaming/looking miserable halted any attempt to collect that fee.

From there, it rained the rest of the night and everyone's tent was flooded out to some degree. Momma D stayed most of the evening in her tent watching the Olympics on a giant color TV
(You know, cause that's what camping is *all* about). Eventually, it was all too much for her and she hit the highway home. 

I don't know what the rest of the gang did on Saturday night, because I was POOPED! I went to bed with my baby guy Merick at 9pm. 

Sunday was salvageable. At least it didn't rain. We hit the beach and played in waves bigger than I've ever seen at the Jersey shore. I'm just glad to be home, even if I am at work. 

Lord, I'm getting tired just recounting this journey.
NIGHT, NIGHT!

Still crazy, after all these years.

March 2004 FLASHBACK! 


Sometimes I wonder about my mental health. I tend to flip out and get a little over excited about kicking bitches asses at times. Let some skank-o tramp look at my man the wrong way, much less openly get all goggle eyed over him. I WILL cause a major fucking scene, regardless of the location or the implications.

We drop into one of my most favorite places in the world, Starbucks, for a late night coffee fix. Next thing you know, the broke ass 30 some odd year old caffeine bitch starts getting all smilely behind the counter at MY husband. About three giggles and an eyelash bat later, I was about ready to publicly humiliate this bitch in her place of business. 

I mean, hello? Is the pimple on my face throwing off my whole omni presence? Do I appear to be the tag a long friend out with a few guys? Did the bitch not look to see if this Brad Pitt look a like was wearing a big fat gold wedding ring? I mean, I guess I can't blame her for trying, but she at least could have opened her middle aging eyes and looked for evidence of marriage. 

I was about three steps back from the counter watching it all play out, just so I had enough evidence to con- FLIP. (instead of convict, get it? Aren't I so clever?) When Phil turned around and started to walk toward me with a clear look of concern for my well documented psychosis, I didn't take my eyes away from her. She looked up just in time for me to fix my eyes on hers like a heat seeking missile. 

I very loudly said to Phil, while burning into her like an evil inferno, "Is she FUCKING with me?!" Phil starts to raise his hand in an uncomfortable wave, I can see out of the corner of my eye that he knows the volcano is about to erupt. The bitch looked away but I repeated for her and all of her co workers and customers benefit, "No, seriously Phil, is she FUCKING with me? Cause I will go behind that counter and tear her ass up!" 


Everyone in that coffee shop knew that I was heated, and I continued to mouth off very fearlessly. 

Eventually, she came over and APOLOGIZED for "...messing with you guys" and said that she "just felt like being obnoxious". She never looked at me again, but apologized to the guys! I didn't take my eyes off her while she worked for the last two minutes that I was in that place. I mean if looks could kill that bitch would have been incinerated. 

See why I'm worried about myself? I'm a wee bit psycho. I would not have hesitated to throw my $3.02 tall iced vanilla latte in that bitches face and then demand my money back. I'm off the hinges. I was SOOOOOOOO pissed off at her blatant disrespect! My husband and our best friend Dan were slightly amused and not surprised in the least. After all, it's not the first time I've acted this way, and it most certainly won't be the last. 

Do I need help?
Anger management classes?