Jesus is a friend with benefits?

2011 was a transitional year for me. I lost 25 pounds, quit Church, adjusted to my husband's new job/schedule, decided to aim toward home ownership, built a pro-bono Facebook writing career from the ground up, amassed a respectable following, and turned 30. I feel like I lived a decade in 12 months, that's how dramatically everything changed. 


Last night I dipped back into the past. I attended a gathering which consisted of several peeps that I used to Holy Roll with back in the not so distant day. There were a lot of new faces even though the place was old and, for the first half an hour, I felt like an uncomfortable outcast. There was guitar strumming, hymn humming, and, meanwhile, I was thinking, "Dude. This is not where I belong anymore. I'm NOT who I was." An older gentleman started crying while everyone was singing, "Jesus You're More Than a Friend," because the Holy Spirit fell heavy upon him and all my dirty mind could think was, "Jesus is a friend with benefits?" 


As the night wore on, I loosened up a lot, cracked a butt load of Christian appropriate jokes, and otherwise  hobnobbed with my Brethren. When it came time to pray, I was like, WHOA. Haven't done this in a hot minute. Just clearing my mind and ALLOWING God in was quite a challenge. I've been giving him the silent treatment for so long and I'm still not really sure if I want to ask him out for dinner and a movie again quite yet. I'm definitely not ready for a long term commitment at this point nor do I want to attend Church and contend with hypocrisy, cronyism, or extremists any time soon. 


I've been living life on my own terms and I'm pretty satisfied with the path I've been meandering upon. Getting in bed with God, so to speak, is never a cake walk. He starts leading me down roads I'd rather not travel, asking me to do things that I'm not naturally inclined to do, and the next thing you know, I'm so involved in Church activities that I have no other life outside of my Faith. That's what happened last time, anyway. Suffice it to say that I'm leery about going steady with the Big Guy. At the moment, He's more of a booty call than a serious relationship. 


Putting all of my reservations and hesitations aside, however, last night wasn't completely terrible. It was nice to reconnect with some of my old friends and catch up on their lives. I even enjoyed the group prayer portion of the evening after I was able to relax enough to let my guard down an itty bitty bit. I might go back next week. Then again, I might not. Gotta love my free will option... and I do thank the Lord for it.