I wrote this in 2003. Surprisingly, there isn't much I would add to it, even nearly 10 years later. Now the question lies in your court. What would you say to your mother (be it good, bad or ugly) if you dared?
You never really loved me for the person that I was. You only wanted to mold me into what you thought was right. You wanted me to grow up and live the life that you missed out on. You never let me make my own mistakes. You were cruel to me as I grew up. You are the reason I am so moody and mean and negative and resentful. You are the reason why I am constantly questioning my parenting capabilities. I fear nothing more than becoming bitter and repressed, just as you are.
I do not love you and I never can. I have tried so many times and have been struck down. I have been hurt by your rejection. I have been scarred by your utter hate of me. You are a liar and a disappointment. You place blame on everyone else and refuse to accept the responsibility for your own actions. You are the only reason your life is in shambles.
You pretend to be someone you are not to outsiders. To your family, you are totally different. You ruined any chance my brother ever had at a normal life. You are the reason he is socially inept. You are the reason my sister has low self esteem. You led my father into a life of lies and then placed the blame solely on him. You are devious and you don't care who you have to hurt to get what you want. You did do those awful things to me that I accused you of and other terrible things that I will never speak of.
And I just want to know why?
I commend your honesty, i too have a "mother of dubious quality"... what don't kill ya can only make you stronger.
ReplyDeleteDubious quality. Yes. Excellent word choice.
DeleteSo true and I am glad that Lilliana is here with us and speaking out. Rita Ogle
DeleteYou know we have similar stories, but I want to share what I have learned. You only allow your mother's sickness to continue to have control over you until you can recognize she was mentally ill and doesn't have any powers over you now. It is hard, and I still have pain over things 50 years later but I don't let it define who I am except maybe that I know I am doing a better job at life and parenting than my parents did... Right before she died, she was diagnosed with Manic/Depressive or Bipolar and other mental illnesses, she was sweet to others but evil at home in secret, and my father had mental illnesses and secrets also but I refuse to be like either of them and when I couldn't control the mood swings and depression, I got help (neither of them would do so because it would mean they had to accept it was them and not others that were in the wrong). I learned by controlling my depression, that controlled the anger and pain and suggest that others who suffer should reach out to professionals for help. It isn't an easy journey but it is a necessary one if we don't want to repeat their behaviors or let them have control over us any more. I commend you and others for speaking out because it isn't always easy and it hurts but also heals. God Bless Rita Ogle
ReplyDelete(((((Lilli)))))) you are an awesome human being. Never forget it.
ReplyDelete